There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
