mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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