Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
