i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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