does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
