He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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