Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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