You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
