At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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