Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
