we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize