Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
