he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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