Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
