you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
