I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
