legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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