I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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