Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
