So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
