I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize