Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
