So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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