is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
