This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
