dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
