Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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