I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
