But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
