i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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