allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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