my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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