What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
