I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
