wakey wakey hands off snakey
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
