so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
