im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Why can't burritos get me drunk
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
its liver damage thursday
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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