I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize