i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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