Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
