Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
