Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
