I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
