I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
