It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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