we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
