you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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