I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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