I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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