He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
