You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i drank out of a bidet.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
