my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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