I accidentally burped into my bong.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
