It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
