last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
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