I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize