I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
