Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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