When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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