Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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