Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
