When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
