he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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