i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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